A Bite of Dango
by jiemae
Summary: She hated sweets—despised them, really. So it must have been a mistake that she wound up inside a fictional character known for loving them. It must have been. [SI-as-Anko—Drabble]
1. One

"Ew," she mumbled as she bit into the treat the girl beside her had offered. Anko's nose wrinkled, her expression souring. "It's so _sweet_." She swallowed again, just in hopes of taking the flavor away. Still, as bitter as she felt, she went in for a second bite. "What is this called?"

The girl, Kurenai-something-or-other, stared at her for a second before laughing. "You're so strange! It's called dango, Anko-chan. Haven't you ever heard of it?"

She said nothing in response, knowing it would be a lie for either type of response. After all, in this life, Anko hadn't even so much as _looked_ at sweets, and in her past—well, she'd rather not think about it. Nevertheless, Anko settled for masking her silence by biting into the second ball on her stick.

It was thick as she let it come into her mouth, and disgusting.

With a shiver climbing up her shoulders, she inhaled what was left of the dango before tossing the stick aside. Turning up her nose at it, Anko felt miffed at having had to eat it, but she refused to think about if she had decided to waste it.

"Kurenai-chan," she started, swiveling on her heels to look at the dark-haired girl, a perilous hand to her hip, "we can be friends, but only if you never bring dango to school again. Got it?"


	2. Two

Anko's blinks were rapid as she sat up from bed, pulling the blankets away and stumbling up to stand in the middle of her room.

Hands covering her heart, she felt it beat against her palms. It felt like it would leave her chest the second she moved her hand away. The ceiling fan hummed and clicked away, cooling the wet surface of her skin in a way that made her sweat stick.

She blew a breath out, shaking her head—she would _not_ revisit those thoughts.

After all, those images—those _voices_ —were just her bizarre, uncanny imagination. It had to be. She could not even begin to imagine if what she could 'remember' was the future for the world she had been born into. That would be crazy talk—no one knew the future.

Shaking out her long, violet hair, Anko felt the edges fall against her back and she noticed the sweat at her neck. Being particular in the first place, she loathed these signs of her fear. Anyone could take one look at her and see through her. They could see her as weak.

Forcing out a cough, the nine year old set her shoulders back, inhaling and exhaling until her heart slowed to something she could call manageable. She bent forward, gathered her hair into a large bun on the top of her hair and, as always, began her usual morning workout routine.

Out of everything Anko did _not_ like—she did admit she was a negative girl—exercise was not among the list, despite the whole sweat issue.

Moving one's body required hard work, dedication, and commitment. She had those three qualities in _spades_. Even at breaks, Anko could be found practicing katas and warming up for additional practice. Dutiful in her studies, quiet among peers, and kind as a general rule, Anko had not developed much spotlight aside from the usual praise for her competency.

She liked to think herself as someone very average—she enjoyed the idea a lot. It meant that she would live the sort of life she had been promised. The sort of life that did _not_ include being the subject of experimentation by the hands of one of the most respected shinobi in all of Fire.

It was an ignorant way of thinking but she was too afraid to open her eyes.


	3. Three

"Kurenai-chan, watch out," Anko warned, sending a kunai in the direction of a hurtling shuriken. With a clang, the two clashed and she looked on with pride at her handy work.

"T-thank you," Kurenai said. Her eyes widened with realization at the chilling skill Anko had thrown with. Accuracy was obvious to see in the throw, and kids around her looked at in her awe.

Anko squashed a grin and instead regarded the upperclassmen with an impassive stare. It was sort of uplifting, in a way, to be better at something than most of the older kids, but it made sense. Anko lived and _breathed_ her work as a kunoichi. In fact, her estimated graduation would be coming in less than three months, a little before her birthday in October.

She couldn't wait to prove that voice in her head wrong. Because, of course, she wouldn't end up on a team with Orochimaru. He hadn't been accepting students for years—who was she to expect he would this time around?

Anko breathed out a tiny little breath, sending her gaze towards the perpetrator who had thrown a reckless shuriken.

"Keep your eyes open, hand firm, and wrist quick, got it? Otherwise you'll kill us all off before we even reach an actual battle!"

The boy's eyes widened, taking a step back. She rolled her eyes. Flipping her long hair seemed to convey much more of an effect than her words of advice.

With confidence, she grabbed three more kunai and turned to face her target.

Quick, fast throws in accompaniment to a heavy thud on the wooden surface. From it, it was clear to see that Anko's worth was in her hard work.

She promised to never change that.


	4. Four

"Oh, _fuck this_ ," Anko muttered beneath her breath in reaction to hearing her name be uttered amongst the famous name that she had been hoping _so bad_ not to be read with hers.

She felt a little sick, head a little light, and her stomach a little _uneasy._

"Woah, isn't that amazing? She's graduating early _and_ she's being paired with such a powerful sensei!"

"Lucky~!"

"Man, I wish I got put into that team…although _she's_ a little scary."

Anko narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips, clenching her fists until they went pale alongside her pallor. The headband tied over her forehead felt heavy against her skin, and nothing made any sense.

What had she been working so hard for in her life? A graduate at ten, most would look at her as a competent kunoichi. Most would think it meant _good_ things for her to become a student—slave—to the bastard that would later stick her in a god damned experiment. She knew it would fuck with her physical constitution, her memories, leave her wrecked, broken, and with a cursed seal.

How could she be happy knowing that her _memories_ were right? Most would be.

Most.

But not her.

What had she been denying so vehemently till now? She should have used those memories. She should have done everything in her power to change things—graduate at a later date? It was too late. Her fate was sealed.

Swallowing with a constricting throat, Anko kept quiet after that.

And she thought.

Soon she'd have to meet her new sensei, but first, she _really_ needed to talk to her dad.


	5. Five

"Dad," Anko started, calling out to him as she entered his room.

He was relaxing on his bed, book in hand before looking up to her entrance. The resemblance they had was unmistakable; his hair was the same shade as hers and had the same unruly texture. Unlike her, his eyes were blue, but he held a stature similar to her own—a ruthless smirk and an unforgiving attitude.

"An-chan!" He grinned as he shouted the crappy nickname, setting his book to the side and sitting up taller in his bed. He smacked the spot besides him, the proudest look he'd ever had on his face. "Back from team placements so soon?"

Rolling her eyes, she clambered up the side of the bed before stopping inches away from where he wanted her. "I'm only stopping by to tell you who I got paired up with."

Her father waited for a moment, giving her an expectant look before tossing his hands.

"Well?"

"My teacher is one of the Legendary Sannin, Orochimaru. My teammates include a Hyuuga and some civilian boy."

Her father assessed her face for emotion, looking at key points that might tell _something_ about the girl who made a point to be unexpressive. Her brows might've looked off, her cheeks maybe a little too pale—she was biting her lip in a way that was unlike her. She didn't know what he saw about her in the end.

"Nervous?"

"A bit," she answered, "but mostly I'm scared. I'm _uncertain_ , there's no way I know how well I get out of this."

She'd never be honest with anyone but him. It didn't matter that he didn't know what she was scared _of._

"Orochimaru is one of the most respected figure heads of our village, Anko. _I'm_ certain things will be just fine. He'll take care of you."

She didn't have the heart to tell him otherwise and nodded instead. Anko had nothing left to say, and after staring at him for a moment, she stepped out of the room.

(In the future, she would hate herself for this. She'd regret it and suffocate on them, the words she hadn't said. Why? _Why?_ Why hadn't she'd stayed to tell him everything?)

Behind her, she heard a sigh.


	6. Six

"I'm screwed," Anko muttered to herself, with nothing more eloquent to say in the face of what would be her fate.

She sighed to herself upon coming close to the patch of grass inside their new training grounds. Orochimaru stood off to the side, looking a mixture of impassive and cunning—she didn't know how he pulled it off either.

Intimidated, she shut her mouth and went to stand next to the two other boys she was stuck with for the experience.

"Nice for you to join us, Anko-kun."

She nodded with narrowed eyes. Her voice was trapped in her throat and she tried not to shake beneath the weight of his gaze.

"You were the top kunoichi of your graduating year," Orochimaru said. "Let's see if that talent carries on into your genin years, shall we?"

Like textbook, Anko could now see the pieces falling together.

She still didn't know their names but the Hyuuga had to be the top male graduate, and the civilian boy the dead last of his class. It didn't hint at good things coming their way. Although, Dead Last didn't act like the blond from her dreams, and she did not act like the girl with pink hair. It was debatable, the Hyuuga's solitary attitude aligning with the Uchiha boy.

Uchiha.

She blinked when the next piece fell into place.

Sometime in the future there would be a tragedy—a massacre. The sole survivor would become someone like her. The both of them would recieve a curse seal. At least, _s_ _omething_ like that happened—she didn't know how or why though. She didn't remember.

Nothing about the harder to swallow story had stuck. Anko could only recall the details that hadn't scared her, or kept her up at night. She'd spent too long forcing herself not to think about it. Shoved it down deep, crammed every little thing that had ever reminded her of it, and had not let herself think about it.

It was because Anko had given up on the world—on herself.

Little parts of her screamed to do something about it, but she could squelch it down and say it was a lie.

Denial had taken her to this place, however.

She didn't regret being short-sighted, it had saved her pointless fear—but the things that she found so terrifying were all she had to guide her. It was how she might escape the sealing, how she might avoid everything, or how she might change things. Anko doubted the last part.

There wasn't any reason she had to get involved more than she had to. She only needed to look after herself—it was all anyone did.

Anko looked up and met her new teacher's gaze and nodded.

She decided she would not be nervous about the future. She would not be scared. She would not deny its existence.

Instead she would let the world take her where she needed to be.


	7. Seven

Orochimaru smiled at Anko and she decided it wouldn't be a waste to smile back.

She was civilized and she could behave around her insane, cruel teacher.

Anko was stronger for it—she could shout that with confidence.

She could inflict pain feeling nothing now. She could endure pain indescribable in its horrors. She could withstand her sensei's killing intent much better than her teammates. She could help with experiments and pretend she didn't know they weren't legal.

Anko had turned into his prized student.

Hiroto Hyuuga, her teammate, fell behind in terms of how he still held back in a fight. Her relentless almost _mad_ barrage of attacks won out nearly every time their teacher pitted them against each other. It would have been scary, had it not been for the ruthless way she hurt the civilian one. His name was Sei Takuya and he was pathetic in her eyes. She wanted to make him see.

Always sniveling after Orochimaru's affection, he had fallen prey to the hand that fed him—a mindless follower. He was like her in that he did whatever was asked of him by their teacher. But she was different.

Anko had _not_ fallen for it.

At the age of eleven, she was _so_ close to the promotion that would take her out of his reach. She just had to prove herself in the next Chuunin Exams. She just had to beat them down, and showcase her abilities. Her fast and _growing_ abilities.

She was still fighting against fate. She was still _trying_ —even when her entire soul wanted to give up. What's the big deal if it happened? Anko had been able to survive, so _she_ would be able to do it too.

It was futile and a fear as old as her. What would the seal do to her? How would it affect _her_? Her doubts, her fear, she didn't know what else to do with them but try and avoid what had become the scariest thought to her.

It was the reason Anko worked so hard. It was the only reason she had done such awful things.

Anko wanted to live, and she had no idea why.

(She had been so young. She had been so young and _stupid_.)


	8. Eight

The written test was something so easy, it was almost as if they were _trying_ to make them advance into the next round.

Hell, she was certain that the _Sei Takuya_ wouldn't have difficulty with it. Not from any natural intelligence. It was because he had a competent teacher. Orochimaru may have been many things but he wasn't slacking on their education.

Anko stared down at the completed paper and stood.

Almost at the same time, another chair squealed as it dragged over the floor. Curious, she twisted to see who had finished at the same time as her, and wasn't surprised when she recognized him.

His gaze met hers and it belonged to that of the silver-haired genius of his year. A small but loud part of her was pleased she had tied in time with the fabled Kakashi Hatake. If he was so smart, then it meant she wasn't far behind.

After that allowed moment of pride, she stepped forward and went up to the procter of the written exam.

"Done already?" he asked, and she looked to see he was adressing the both of them. She nodded; Kakashi shuffled out the door. Compelled, though not knowing why, she followed after and raced to catch up.

Anko caught onto his sleeve and watched him turn to look at her, making her smile in a way that she thought was genuine. All teeth, and a feeble attempt at looking presentable.

"What?" Kakashi snapped and Anko pointed outside the window.

"Want to spar while we wait?"

His eyes narrowed and he watched her for a moment. His gaze darted towards the door where the other test takers were and back at her. Appearing as calm and impassive as ever, hands stuffed deep into his pants pocket, Kakashi gave a slow nod.

Anko's grin widened. It was fun for her—a trait she'd perhaps picked up from Orochimaru—to dabble in her guilty pleasures.

It was nice—meeting people from a future she'd witnessed in another life, that is. Most of the time, they were people who had it far worse than her. People who's futures were about to be destroyed or had already been.

(She used to laugh at them. _Used to—_ and sometimes still did.)


	9. Nine

Fighting with Kakashi was like fighting with a bear—unpredictable.

While becoming accustomed to matching the movements of a Hyuuga, quick and as fluid as they were, like the flowing of water, Anko found it breathtaking to grapple with the boy. He was quicker, and his motions were like _lightening._

Powerful, sudden, and unrelenting—words she used to describe herself.

He looked surprised when she managed to counter his attack and it was enough for her. She reached a hand around his neck and leaned away from him, using her feet to keep her steady as she put all of her weight and momentum to shove him into the dirt. Hands moving to his arms to hold him down, she landed on his chest and stared.

"You're not as strong as I thought you would be, Kakashi of the Sharingan."

His brows creased at her strange title for him but she wasn't feeling in the mood to explain it. Perhaps he would remember her words when it became time for him to be called that? Perhaps he would hate her then, hoping she had said something and hoping he would have listened. She wondered if it would be like the butterfly effect—if this would be the start that changed everything.

Anko laughed.

She was certain he wouldn't spare her the time of day if she said his teammates were to be 'met with a terrible fate'.

She shouldn't have laughed.

Anko yelped when he took her moment of distraction to turn the tables, twisting out from underneath her and reaching for her wrists. It was his turn to hold her down.

"You're insane," he said and she _wished_ his words were true.

"I'm just a girl," she returned.

She shoved him away, tired of interacting with him if it would mean she would be losing. Brushing off her clothes, she stood up. "Thanks for the workout."

Anko walked off after that and deliberated a future in which she was honest, and she had people beyond herself to protect.

(Self-involved, self-obsessed. She never thought of who was most important to her. By the time she had, it was too late—and her regrets began there.)


	10. Ten

It was different— _she_ was different, but she didn't know in what way. She didn't know the self that had come before.

She was still grasping at wisps of memories, things she could recall only tiny bits of. They were never enough and she had so _many_ , so many regrets. Despite not knowing from where, despite not knowing why, she had them.

She couldn't let go of the things she didn't know.

She tried to fill the gaps, connect the pieces, sort the certain and uncertain—her name was Anko Mitarashi. She was a jounin. She didn't remember her promotion but she remembered a voice congratulating her. It had been a man—her father.

Anko had the curse seal.

She _had the curse seal._

She didn't know how or from where. As she tried to recall, nothing came to her. Memories inside her were just—just gone.

From there it was her recovery—or lack there of.

For all it was worth, her knowledge had been useless. It didn't save her from anything, didn't spare her the _pain._ Wasn't that just great? Getting tossed into a world, into a lie, and then made to suffer, suffer because she didn't know _enough_.

Was this Hell? Hers? Did she do something—

No. Her past life had been boring. She had done nothing to deserve her horrible fate. But it didn't matter in the end because she was, because she couldn't _think_ , because she couldn't _remember_ , she was broken.

Broken.

Broken.

Her mind had transformed into a—hah—a _mind_ field and she was the bombs going off every second.

Boom!

No one flinched.

Could bombs go off inside the human head? Could it be caused by thoughts? Could someone explode from _thinking_?

Anko felt she was on the verge of testing that theory and she had a feeling it was going to be a resounding, fucking _yes_.

That's how the Curse Seal made her feel.

Which was pretty fucking great, but to top it all off she had guys from TI hounding her for more information on Orochimaru. HAHA, FUNNY JOKE THERE, SIR. IF SHE HAD MORE INFORMATION THEN SHE NEVER WOULD HAVE ENDED UP THE WAY SHE HAD, WOULD SHE?

Like she'd know anything that happened when she didn't even know the door of her _apartment_.

They're stupid, in short.

"Do you want dango?" a man asked and he looked familiar. She liked him the moment he met her gaze but he put a damper on _all_ of that just by asking such a stupid fucking question.

Anko glared at him.

"I'll shove a piece of dango so far up your fucking ass if you ever ask me that goddamn question ever again, you fucking got that? Or do I have to show you just how fucking serious I am about saying _no to fucking eating dango for the last time!_ "

She was breathless and she was hurting and everything in her _is_ broken.

Broken. Broken.

He looks at her with raised brows. "Want to go out for some BBQ then?"

She nodded, if only for the fact that he wasn't looking at her like a traitor when the others were. She didn't know his name but she found that she didn't need it. If he was someone important to a stupid plot, then it doesn't matter because she was too—and she was never very vital to that story, was she? She doubted this man was either.

Anko didn't ask because she didn't care but he gave his name to her anyway.

Ibiki Morino—and she was right that he hadn't ever been that important but it doesn't matter, because now they're the same in their sameness and it didn't matter that she was broken either. He didn't want to fix her and she appreciated that.

Instead, they eat at the Akimichi restaurant and she covered up glad tears with a laugh that gets a chuckle out of him.

That laugh became a mask, something to pretend that she was okay and normal. She wasn't but _they_ didn't know that.

The mask became physical and she was no longer a name. She was no longer Anko Mitarashi.

Instead, she was assigned at random the name and mask of Snake.

She laughed at this and the others that knew her do too. They offered to change it but she kept it. Not because she found it funny or because she was loyal to Orochimaru. She didn't care to know why she kept it, actually. Maybe it was because when she dreamed, it was always of the same thing and her summons were all snakes. Something simple like that.

It's something simple like that, that made her pretend to know about a planned invasion on the tenth. It's something simple like that, that made her say that Orochimaru had donned a mask and had planned to destroy Konoha using the Kyuubi on the night of the tenth.

Why did she do that? No, really, _why_? She didn't know but it left the Yondaime alive, along with his wife and son. Did that mean she did good, somehow? Who was she trying to make happy here? Minato thanked her, not fully aware of what she did. She wasn't fully aware either, and so she just said to him, "Don't mention it."

Because, really, don't mention it.


	11. Eleven

Sometimes she gets flares of pain and it leads her mind into shadows.

She didn't know from when it started.

Kakashi watched her.

He truly was Sharingan Kakashi with his shining red eye, though he covered it up well, didn't he? She felt his confusion like she felt the breaks in her mind. He asked her how she knew. She told him she didn't know. It was only a thought.

"It can't be just that," he said to her but she shrugged.

"Yes, it can," she told him with a firm nod of her head, though all the thoughts scramble and she's not as certain as she once sounded. Finally, she wondered, "Can't it?"

 _No_ , her mind was saying to her. _It wasn't just a thought. There's more. There's more to all of it._

God, fucking damn it. It was—it was the seal!

That was what she was telling herself anyway, because she didn't remember where any of her thoughts come from, only that they did come and that on her neck there was a seal that had connections to _him,_ ** _him, h i m._**

"Simple," she said to Kakashi. "It's simple. Okay?" she asked but it was to herself, rather than him, because she knew she was broken but wondered just the same. Was she okay? The seal was eating her alive. Her mind, was it a living thing?

"Is your seal acting up?" he finally asked her after a long moment staring at her.

She cocked her head at him and yes, she felt the pain of that seal throbbing but was the usual pain, the usual agony that she lived and breathed every day. Anko nodded with a smile. She blinked. Should she have smiled?

BOOM. Her head spins and she feels her body give out.

She imagined a bomb going off just then. She wondered just how much damage there was? Did she do it? Was anyone hurt? Was she?

Yes. Yes, she was hurt. She's _bleeding_ —

Anko woke up to meeting the Yondaime's eyes and he cringed upon meeting her gaze. He looked sorry, concerned but mostly embarrassed. She leaned back from him because uh, what.

The Yondaime should never looked that way.

Why did he?

"I should have checked your seal sooner," he said to her, voice apologetic, which made sense because the next things out of his mouth were, "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry," she echoed and her voice was hoarse, as if she had been screaming. Wasn't she always? What is so new about that? Nothing. There was nothing new.

The Yondaime's expression tightened. "Are you... okay? The seal has been... active for a very long time, hasn't it?"

Yes. "Yes."

"Do you hurt still?"

"No." Not physically, at the moment.

Someone was brushing her hair now, sweeping back her long locks from her face and she realized then that she was panting and it was difficult to breathe. Tears were streaming down her face and she wanted to reach out to something.

"I'm dead," she whispered. "I'm dead. I'm not supposed to be alive. Why am I here?"

That was not Anko speaking. That was That Girl and That Girl had been screaming for a while now but now she was being listened to and everything was hurting and no, but no. Anko _was, is That Girl._

"I want to die," she begged, and someone was touching her face, a hand that was touching her as if she were delicate. She cried because she hadn't felt that in so long, not since her father was still alive, a time she could scarce remember. She had been fine then, hadn't she? But this was all so different and—

"My mind is wrong," she told them, meeting a dark onyx eye. Kakashi, he was the one touching her and she was confused. Why was he touching her when—

"Sometimes it knows things," she told them and she was sobbing and he was wiping those tears away and someone was holding her. She saw red hair and met violet eyes. Blue ones were not far away and they were listening to her, meeting each other's gazes before looking at her in quiet concern.

"Sometimes. It knew when Rin would die. It saw that. It saw Orochimaru hurting Anko too. It saw the Yondaime and his wife die. Naruto was a hero. Will he still be? Will he still change the world? There was a man. Terrible man. No, not a terrible man. A tragic man. He was hurt. He was lied to. He was broken. Broken. Broken like me. Obito? Tobi? What was his name? He is the masked man who attacked. He saw Kakashi with Rin, saw her die. He thinks Kakashi broke his promise. He heard Kakashi speaking at the stone. But I stopped that attack. No one got hurt but why...I should have done something for Rin, but how could I? Where was I? I don't remember. It doesn't know. My mind can't remember."

She stopped and she was being held in warm arms. Kushina had never done that before. No one had really done that before but Anko didn't care. She clung to the redhead with everything she had in her and shook.

"Can I be fixed?" she wondered out loud, hoping for the _wrong_ to disappear. "Can something broken be fixed?"

"Yes," the Yondaime said to her, his blue eyes on her and they looked weary, sad. "Anything broken can be fixed. As long as the pieces are still there... they can be used."

It was scary to have hope.

"I want to eat dango," she whispered.


	12. Twelve

She was off active duty—at Kakashi's insistence and her misery.

"I'm going to die of boredom," she informed him, unable to read his expression but knowing he was unimpressed with her.

"You'll be fine," he said but she didn't believe him.

"And what will you be doing?" she asked, rolling on the bed they shared more often than not and crawled up to where he sat, looking at photos. She blinked at the sight of them and almost laughed when she noticed who they were of. "When was that taken?"

"You don't remember?" Kakashi asked, holding it up for her to better see it.

"Why are we both in it with my dad?" she asked and felt strange seeing it there. Less laughing at it now and more concerned and _confused_.

Kakashi gave her a long look, quiet as he watched her reaction before his eyes smiled for him. He looked just a bit sad, as if he had been hoping for something. Something she'd disappointed him in.

"You'll have to remember on your own," he told her instead of explaining and she pouted.

"You're subjecting me to house-rest and you're withholding secrets! How dare you?" she accused, affronted.

He gave her another look, this one more exasperated and less patient. "You should take the time to visit some of your old friends, Anko. I think it's time you start growing up."

Anko blinked at him and tried not to listen or comprehend what he was telling her. He should keep to his own business—his mission was to look after her, not get involved in her life. Kakashi didn't have to be like this.

"We should go visit your dad," he said, not looking at her anymore. Maybe too afraid to see how she'd react.

She didn't really. React, that is. She just looked at the curtained window and tried not to think.

"Okay," some other side of her said to him, and all of her regretted saying it.

Anko couldn't take it back.


	13. Thirteen

The stone with her father's name on it looked cold and it felt cold when she touched it.

"How long has it been?" she asked, a bit embarrassed to but uncertain of the number.

"It's been five years," Kakashi answered, his hand at the small of her back and it was the closeness that surprised her the most.

But she wasn't afraid of it and more than anything else, it was like an anchor on her reality. Sometimes Anko drifted too much into her thoughts. Often, she thought she might never leave them and that one misstep would mean—it would mean disaster, chaos, an ending.

"Five years feels just like a moment," she said, though she didn't put too much thought into her words.

"Memories feel that way for me too," he told her, the warmth of his hand drifting up to brush over her shoulder blades.

She shivered and met his eyes, his other hand raising up to touch the edge of her jaw.

"They fade too quickly and change before you know it, to the point that it all feels like an illusion that you've created in your head to make you feel like a human being with a soul and less the shell you've been shoved into."

"Why are you saying this to me?" she asked, blinking at him and hating that niggling thought that this was some bizarre feeling of deja vu.

"It's something you said to me five years ago," he answered. "Because you were afraid you would lose your father twice."

"Did I? Say that?" Anko asked, her voice shaking. She couldn't recall it. He must have been lying to her.

"You should visit your dad more often. Maybe you'll remember more that way."


	14. Fourteen

"Do you think she knows these things because of the curse seal?" one voice asked and it was all the confirmation she needed to know who they were talking about.

"No, of course not," Kushina's memorable voice chided the others. "Seals don't work that way, you should know."

There was the spark of laughter tinkling in the room that sounded sheepish and it must have been from the Honorable Leader himself.

"Kakashi?" he called out with a hint of worry. "What do you think?"

There was a pause and a great lull in the atmosphere. Anko was supposed to be asleep and she was _trying_ to be and would have been, had they not been so loud.

After a moment that felt too long, Kakashi sighed. "I think that she's always known these things."

Minato made a noise in the back of his throat. "What do you mean?"

"Well, when we were younger and during the Chuunin Exams we took together, she called me the Sharingan Kakashi. Years before it happened."

"And did she say anything else to you of the sort before she was sealed and the two of you were," Minato coughed before grounding out the next word into a gruff whisper, " _together?_ "

Anko kept herself still but her mind was racing.

 _Together_?

The word kept echoing in her head and it hit her in the chest each time it did. She couldn't remember it but... it was painful, the feeling of having a sense to a memory but being unable to hold it. Unbidden, tears built at the edges of her eyes but she refused to let them fall and refused to open her eyes. She was asleep. Sleeping forever and without a dream to have.

"Sometimes she talked as if she was never meant to exist and would refer to herself distinctly as two people in the same body."

Ah, yes. Anko and _That Girl_ , the one without a name. Or at the very least, one that couldn't be recalled.

Who was she now? Which one? She didn't know, she didn't know and there was too much missing inside of her to ever know for certain.

"Interesting," the Honorable Leader said to the room. Silence invaded and it was the Hokage that thought to end it, asking very in a quiet tone, "Are you going to continue to care for her like you have been? We could always assign her to—."

"I will continue. She did the same for me, after all. She's the sort of inspiring idiot that never knew when to quit."

Far away, like it wasn't there at all, she heard his voice inside of her. Whispering, so softly she almost couldn't decipher it.

 _You make me want to live._

"Well then, you'll continue to have my support," the Honorable Leader said, and she could hear the frown in his voice.


	15. Fifteen

Anko was experiencing one of her bad days. The sort that got her drinking and doing stupid shit.

"We should scare those kids so bad, they shit themselves," she said to Ibiki on one of their monthly meet-ups.

He sighed and picked up his tea before taking a sip and shaking his head. "We will _not_ be doing that. At least not today."

"Come on~!" she whined, and laid her face onto the cool table. Splaying out her arms, she tried to take up as much room as possible. Just to see if she could get a reaction, despite knowing the limited likelihood of it.

"Your boyfriend will be disappointed in you," Ibiki informed her in a curt tone. Then he poked her head and released a cruel laugh. "Got you there, didn't I?"

"No," she muttered, but didn't move.

It wasn't like she had a boyfriend. It was just that people under the impression had never been explained otherwise. She never tried to inform them of the changes in her life or even of the fact that she seemed to be forgetting an awful lot of things, both recent and from the past. Like how she had ever gotten into a relationship with Kakashi at all, or how everybody learned of it to begin with.

There was so much that she didn't know anymore. It had been this way for a while, had been months since she became aware of not knowing, like waking up to a bad dream. She didn't know where that dream began

"How old am I?" Anko asked, not sure why she wanted to.

"Hmm...nineteen, I think?" He grinned a little. "I'm older than you, that's all I know."

On the outside, she laughed and gave him a look. "Are you sure it's okay you're out with such a young girl like me?" She winked and broadened her grin. "You're girlfriend will get jealous too, won't she?"

She expected him to joke back with her. Say something stupid, or look a bit embarrassed. Instead, he just smiled back at her. "She won't. Mayumi knows that I'm only trying to help you."

It caught her off guard more than she expected it to.

Anko blinked. " _Why?_ "

She might've sounded angrier than she intended but it was... it was...

After the investigations into her and all of the interrogations, she'd known they had no reason to meet anymore. But she had never thought there was reason at all to their relationship in the first place, so why bother asking? Still, she waited for his answer and tried not to look to eager as she took a sip of her own bitter choice of drink.

"I met you on the night your teacher was outed," Ibiki answered, serious again and surprising her even more. "When everything blurred into procedures and practices being put to use. The very night you got hurt the way you did and the night you clung to me begging that you could stay in Konoha forever. You may not remember but... it was me who brought you to the hospital and the entire time you cried. It was the agony you were in but it was eerie. Like you'd already known what else had happened."

"When my father died, fighting that son of a bitch," she said, numb.

"You didn't cry after that," Ibiki continued, as if she hadn't said anything at all. "You just looked out the window and waited."

"Waited for what?" Anko wondered and tilted her head in confusion. "I don't remember any of this at all."

"Eventually, he came. The only person in the world who could make you smile after something like that," and as if to punctuate his words, he grinned and took another sip of his cooling tea. "He asked me to look after you and that's why I still do."

Her face must've looked red because it sure as hell felt hotter than usual. Probably from the steam of her coffee.

"Tch," she looked away. "That's damn irritating."

"The second reason is because by now we're friends and I like you, kid."

If it could have been possible, she got even redder and refused to meet his eyes. "Old man."


	16. Chapter 16

"Say," Anko started, satisfied from dinner and reclining not on the couch like she probably should have been, but on the back of a someone who had been just a little too quiet at dinner, "when did we first meet?"

"Chunin Exams."

"What was I wearing?"

"A black kimono with a red obi."

"What was the first thing I ever said to you?"

"You said to me, ' _Senpai, I love you!_ _'_. Then you asked me to marry you and I told you to bug off."

Anko snorted, "No way. I probably asked you to fight me or something stupid."

"Ah," Kakashi breathed and he leaned forward a little, making her roll off and land beside him. "You did say something like that."

She snickered while moving closer and wrapped her arms around his waist, breathing in his scent and memorizing it. She wanted to use his lap as a pillow but she didn't think he'd go for it. He was too much of a pervert and would probably get too embarrassed. Cause he was an idiot.

Anko smiled.

"What was...the second time we met like?"

"You'll be ashamed to hear about it," he informed her dully but she detected a hint of a something else in his voice.

Was it too a bad memory?

"Tell me or I'll switch the salt and the sugar."

He chuckled, "Please don't kill me when I tell you then."

"Be honest when you do. I'll know myself well enough to know if you're lying," though she was lying herself when she said it. Anything could have happened and she would have to take him at his word. Because she couldn't remember it well, and because she couldn't remember anything well at all anymore. She pressed her face into his side but made sure not to cry.

"Well," he murmured and somehow his hand found itself in her hair, twisting and stroking it as if it was a habit he wasn't even aware of, "we met for the second time...when I was fourteen and you were...twelve. That day, your teacher was busy with his research and I took you and your teammates on a mission. It was a very...rainy mission. The forests we traveled in were constantly soaked but you never complained. Even when one of your teammates did, you remained quiet about it the whole time.

"It turned out that you had gotten blisters on your feet and while you hadn't slowed down, you ended up slipping and landing right onto the client. It was the first time I'd seen you make a mistake, and after years of hearing about a famed prodigy to one of the Sannin, it was...sort of funny. You're face lit up bright red and as soon as you recovered, you began to apology profusely. The client had no problem and didn't even try to scold you. Instead, he treated your wounds and you got a silly look on your face. As if you were happy but didn't want to show it."

"So...we didn't interact much on that mission?" Anko asked, a little disappointed.

He hummed and shrugged his shoulders, as if she could just leave it at that.

"You're holding out on me, you bastard," she muttered and used her grip to climb up his back. Instead, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pressed her face into the back of his neck. Whispering, she said, "Tell me more of that memory. I want to remember."

Kakashi swallowed and though she couldn't see his face, she figured his expression would be a weird one.

"That night," he continued nonchalantly, "you had a fever. The one who hadn't complained at all the entire time, got sick and you started vomiting. So...rather than put the mission at stake, I had your teammates and a summon continue the escort mission and with you, I stayed."

"Sounds troublesome," she commented, but decided that she liked the story development enough to continue listening.

"It _was_ troublesome. I don't think I've ever met a bigger idiot than you. Because of your stubborn personality, you nagged me for three days that we should leave to catch up with the others. Three days, I was cooped with you inside of a cave even smaller than our bathroom and though you were weak with a fever, you kept talking to the point that I thought you'd never shut up."

"I must've really liked you," Anko told him wistfully, "I only ever talked so much with my dad." Then, because he'd called it an annoyance, she very quietly added, "Sorry."

"No...I added to it. We both...we both talked a lot. Three days, and the entire time it seemed like neither of us wanted to shut up."

She blinked. What an absurdly funny thought. It was like pulling teeth getting him to talk to her. Not for the first time, she was envious of her past self.

"What were we talking about?" Anko asked, her face still pressed against his neck.

"Stupid things," he answered with a sigh, "Most of it arguments. Sometimes apologies. Other times, it was..." He paused.

"Kakashi?"

Silence trailed on. For a few minutes, she just hung onto him and they said nothing. He seemed done for the night and his slumping shoulders just added to her observations. It was disappointing but even more disappointing was that...well, she could recall none of it. She wanted a piece of that. Memories he seemed to speak so fondly of, and words she wanted to share with him.

"Hey," she breathed, and grinned when he shivered, "Sleep with me tonight?"

"Only if you make breakfast," he bargained.

Anko kissed the back of his neck and added softly, "Save that for when we get married, idiot."


	17. Chapter 17

Kakashi stared down at the sleeping form beside him and he tried not to feel anything.

Would this be the last time? It was all he could wonder, even when the feel of her satin skin still lingered on his fingertips.

 _I love her, I love her, I love her_.

He wanted to say it out loud but he couldn't risk her hearing and ending all of it. She'd call him a creep and leave. After all, Anko most certainly had when he'd first confessed to her. Didn't matter that she came back an hour later and after kissing him senseless, she'd said she felt the same. This time it could be different. Too different. She'd hear how he felt, how she had once felt, and she'd be...

Kakashi turned the page in his book but he wasn't actually reading anything. Just staring mindlessly and thinking. Seeing nothing except the fragments of memories and images burned into his skull. He could remember all too well the second time they'd met. The nights in which they'd talked so endlessly it had been as if they were the only two people in the world.

 _"Sharingan Kakashi, we meet again!_ " she'd said to him, with a grin on her face.

It had been those senseless words that had made him remember the first time they had genuinely met. Kakashi had forgotten all about it, of course, but at the time it had come back into full focus and he had been unable to leave it alone. Especially because in that point of time, he had already lost Obito and couldn't think of a way she could have known it would happen in advance.

Three days he'd spent trying to get her to tell him how she knew. Threatened her in all the ways he knew how and instead round and round they went, talking about the most ridiculous things. Too bizarre to fathom and yet too much said to retell it to someone else.

He wished she could remember. All of it. Not just what they said to each other. Rather, so much more.

" _My first kiss! I'm giving it to you for thanks."_

He could still hear her saying it, and even more, distantly he could recall the soft hesitance of her mouth dusting across his. She'd been so rude about it, tearing down his mask as if it was just useless decoration. But the kiss couldn't have been any sweeter. It had been his first too.

"If only you knew," he breathed, looking at her sleeping form.


	18. Chapter 18

He treated her like porcelain and perhaps that was what had hurt the most.

If she looked down just a little bit, she could see kiss marks lining up and down her arms and stomach.

Anko sat up in bed, naked but not cold.

"What smells good?" she asked with a yawn, running her hands through her hair.

"You suck at cooking, so I just made it," Kakashi said beside her, reading his book with infuriating casualness.

Smiling, she scooted closer next to him and rested her thigh against his before leaning her head on his shoulder.

"I'm so loved by you."

It was perhaps a bit cruel of her to say it but it felt too nice to only think it.

He was quiet.

"I was told we used to date," she confessed, and then hesitated, "is that true?"

"Yeah," he answered, and turned a page in his book. As if uninterested.

"Do you still love me?" she asked, and waited for his answer. She was half-expecting it to never come.

Anko looked up to see his face just in time to catch the pain in his eyes before even the traces of it vanished. Just a little, Kakashi shifted.

"You _totally_ do," she grinned confidently.

Because he would never touch someone so carefully if he didn't. Because he would never have sex with someone if it wasn't for a mission and he didn't care about them. Because, in the end, he was a sentimental pervert.

She grinned and just barely caught his whisper.

" _You just might be right_."

She shifted closer towards him.

"I had a dream last night," she informed him softly, wiggling her toes underneath the covers, "and in it, I kissed you innocently. If it's a memory, I can only think that you were my first, weren't you?"

It was unexpected and perhaps even a bit impossible but the sight of his reaction made her toes curl and warmed her insides a degree too hot to be comfortable.

She never thought it probable to see him look so happy. It wasn't in his expression exactly, but the feeling around him was a bit too bright for her eyes. She looked away.

"Your memory isn't as bad as I thought, then." He turned another page in his book and Anko went to rise.

"One of these days, I'll remember why it is you care about someone so crazy," turning away, she smiled privately to herself, "Until then, I'd like it if today, tomorrow, and the next day were memorable."

Kakashi shut his book and the sound made her jump.

"Then, tomorrow afternoon we'll go on a date."


	19. Chapter 19

"Do you think the Yamanaka will even see me for such short notice?" Anko wondered out loud and Kushina gave her a look.

"I'm the wife of the Hokage. They have to see us, " the red-head grinned, "and beside, this is all for the sake of Kakashi. I don't mind throwing that title around if it's for that."

Anko looked at her suspiciously, "And how would you know if it's for Kakashi?"

Another look was sent and received.

"I saw your neck," she said simply.

Anko raised her hand self-consciously covering the mark with a reddened face.

"It's not like we're dating," she said, miffed that Kushina could so easily sniff out her motives.

At that, the Uzumaki snorted to the point of nearly blowing snot out her nose.

" _What?_ " Anko asked, suspiciously eyeing the redhead as she recovered, "What was so funny?"

"Hm? You still have no idea?" Kushina's grin broadened even more so, "Why don't you ask if Kakashi would like to get married in the springtime? Or better yet, call him hubby and see how he reacts."

Anko paused.

"Are you...trying to insinuate what I think you're trying to?"

"Eh?" Kushina blinked dumbly, "Me?"

It took a moment for it to sink in.

Then another for her to realize what it meant.

Then a third for her to finally react.

"Eh!? _Eh?_ " Anko's jaw went slack. "Me? Married to him? How did he even get the balls to ask me!?"

"It took _month_ _s_ for him too," Kushina snickered, "Then, it finally got to the point that well, you told him that if he wasn't going to propose, you'd cut off his dick."

 _I want to remember!_ Anko inwardly cried, just piling on the jealousy of her past self for getting to be so lucky.

"I hope this visit goes well," she whispered giddily, "All the more chances to bribe him over ridiculous things!"

"He'll be happy to have you back," Kushina responded with a warm smile.

 _I hope so._


	20. Chapter 20

The meeting hadn't gone well.

She didn't know what that fucker had done to her but it was starting to feel like she was really splintering. She felt like vomiting.

"Are you okay?" Kakashi asked and it must have been unconsciously, but he began to stroke her hair. It was calming, grounding in the way that reminded her of less confusing times.

But was she okay? No.

"I went and saw the Yamanaka about getting my memory back to the way it was," she admitted quietly, sitting on the sofa with her legs pulled up to her chin. It was all in the hopes that if it came down to it, she could hold herself in with just her arms if she had to. Nothing was getting out of her without a fight.

He went silent but kept carding her hair with his fingers. She didn't have the heart in her to tell him to stop.

"He said that there's a lot of things wrong with me and that not all of it can be fixed. I may never be...I may not be able to return to be the Anko you loved."

Admitting it out loud was even harder than having to think it but she said it anyway. Bowing her head and hiding her expression with her knees pressed firmly to her forehead, Anko willed herself not to cry and she didn't.

"That's not something you have to worry about," he murmured quietly.

 _But I do._

Maybe it was just because she was lonely inside her head all day. Maybe it was because she unknowingly missed him. Or maybe it was because of her own selfish desire not to suffer like she was. It didn't matter why in the end. Just that she knew there had been better days and knew that she wasn't the only one who missed them.

"Anko," he said softly, pausing his hand in her hair, "As long as it's you...I'll..."

"We're married," she stated flatly, "and I think even you want your wife returned to you."

He sucked in a breath but seconds later, he sighed. She tried to prepare herself for his next words to hurt but with how she was at the moment, none of that seemed to be working.

"Perhaps it's wrong of me but," Kakashi pulled away with a sigh and as her heart sunk to her toes, she looked up to see him looking at his hand sheepishly. "It's probably a little like cheating but...I'm really enjoying myself. Falling in love with you again, that is. It's not unsimilar to the first time and though you're not exactly the same as you were, it's still you. It's still Anko Mitarashi. My girlfriend. My wife. Maybe even the mother of my children."

She tried not to feel happy at the words and failed miserably.

"Is that another surprise?" she asked, at a loss for honest words, "You have a kid you've been hiding from me?"

"Only if it's one you've been hiding."

"Hm," she sung to herself.

Somehow, she was not as splintered as she had been before.

"Tonight too," she whispered instead, tired of fighting.

He smiled at that but in a way, it was painful to look at him.

"As always, you swallow me whole in everything you do. In the end," he whispered, "you're still the same."

 _The same._

But who was she even being compared to?

When he kissed her, it didn't seem to matter so much anymore.


	21. Chapter 21

They had dinner, they talked, they laughed. It was a date. A good one.

Anko felt normal.

 _I'm not normal._

"Hey," she mumbled as they walked home together, hand in hand with the cloak of darkness keeping them from watchful eyes.

"Hey," he returned, voice nonchalant.

"How did two stubborn people like us even get together, let alone _married?_ " Anko asked, amazed.

"You happen to be more stubborn than I am," Kakashi informed her, and in squeezing her hand tighter, he added, "You decided you liked me and not long after that, I was a goner. There was no escaping you."

Funny to hear that from him. An extraordinary shinobi—one of the strongest shinobi alive and somehow saying that to _her_.

Anko grinned all the same and wonderingly asked, "Am I your perfect match? Your one true love? Someone you'll never give up on, no matter what?"

She watched him from the corner of her eye and half-expected something humorous to put off answering something so obviously embarrassing. The other half of her simply feared he would say no.

Smoothly, to the point that she didn't even register it happening, he slid an arm around her waist and pulled her in. His hand rested at her hip, making her feel so warm that even if he said nothing at all, she'd still be happy.

"Our relationship didn't start off very good," he told her and though she couldn't see where he was going with it, she listened and let herself be led by him. "At first, all we did was hurt each other. After the first mission we went on, there were others. They went smoothly as far as the mission went, but when it came to us, we constantly fought. Called each other names. Physically beat each other. Petty childish pranks. All because, at first, we hated each other."

Anko nodded sagely. "I can see you being petty."

Kakashi slapped her ass. "You know it."

She laughed at that. An honest one. Not a smug one, or skeevy one, or a mocking one. An honest one—and it felt amazing.

"What changed it?" she asked, placing her cheek against his arm as the two of them walked.

"It was...after you saved Minato-sensei," he told her, and there was a hesitance to his voice that she hadn't been expecting.

"Ah," she breathed, as if she could recall completely what he was talking about. Anko paused and Kakashi followed suit. "Was my amnesia caused by the seal or was it something else?"

It was Kakashi's turn to look surprised. "I thought you knew. Did nobody tell you?"

That would be a negative but it was probably more her fault than anyone else's. Anko wasn't really the type to talk to people about her condition in her everyday life. She was the ' _avoid troublesome things at all costs_ ' kind of girl. It just made her already confusing and hectic life easier to stomach.

"If anyone did, it flew in one ear and right out the other," she informed him in a curt tone.

"Ahh," he breathed and then shifted his hold on her so that he could meet her gaze. Kakashi swallowed but nevertheless persisted as he told her with pain streaking across his otherwise warm expression, "It's not because of the seal. It's because you nearly died on a mission. No," he sucked in a breath and blew it out, "you _did_ die."

Flashes of something rose up beneath her closed eyes and if there was ever a time that she'd felt the ghost of pain due to a long-since healed wound, it was then.

Anko touched the back of her head self-consciously and blinked at Kakashi in raw befuddlement.

"Is this all a dream?" she whispered, horrified at the thought.

"No," he murmured, bringing his hands to her face and drawing her closer. His glimmered with the help of the streetlight, as if there were a fire in the depths of the dark pools his eyes normally were. Anko saw something she'd been afraid to notice for a long time. Something she had been denying herself out of fear; out of hesitance to accept.

Her salvation.

"We are both very real," he told her.

With his words, the echo of them ricocheting amongst her thoughts, she found conviction.

* * *

 **a/n:** if anyone is confused by the timeline, i am also lol (i may need to edit past chapters to make it all make sense. consider this the drawbacks to never planning a damn thing and letting the tides wash up where they may.) i will just say now that there's a blank period between chapter eleven and chapter twelve. is this me retconning? hell yeah it is. bitches make mistakes, ride or die we fix 'em up.

 **Also; join my discord server if you wanna know more about me, my writing process, quicker update notices, to be friends, etc. Link is on my profile!**


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